How to Lose Friends and Influence People

Having the confidence to be yourself (from a chronic people pleaser)

“Don't let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It's your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy. Don't let the expectations and ideas of others limit who you are. If you let others tell you who you are, you are living their reality — not yours. There is more to life than pleasing people. There is much more to life than following others' prescribed path. There is so much more to life than what you experience right now. You need to decide who you are for yourself. Become a whole being. Adventure.”

A life lived for others…

As long as I can remember I have without a second thought prioritised other peoples wants and needs before my own. I am the typical ‘yes’ person… the perfect example of a people pleaser and as life has gone on this ‘default setting’ of mine felt like it would never be switched off.

While I’m sure, it is admirable to think of others, it increasingly becomes a rather toxic trait, leading to a life lived for them and a vicious circle of seeking validation that you never quite get… cue trying harder for others. Alas deeper into the vortex we fall.

I assure you the purpose of this musing is not to be a buzz kill but actually leave you feeling like you can chase those crazy dreams and do the things that set your soul on fire. You can prioritise yourself and more importantly should!

The reason I am here writing this is because for the last year that is exactly what I have been doing. Working hard to find my most authentic self, searching high and low for what I want from my life (to be honest this is the easiest bit), and then actually doing it (this is the nearly impossible part).

It is something that I haven’t really spoken about as I’ve navigated the journey but actually consumes most of my time. It is very much still a work in progress. Everyday I go through the tug of war with myself of whether to commit to a life lived for others or live a life truly authentic to my wants and needs. Ideally, I’d fall somewhere comfortably in the middle, however the words ‘you must fit your own oxygen mask before helping others’ constantly ring very loudly in my ears.

Becoming selfish

Sooo, I guess that leads to the question how do we actually learn to put ourselves (at least) equal first? Well, while I guarantee not an exhaustive list, here are 6 things that I have found really helped me over the last year.

1. Realise self care isn’t selfish

To start you have to start getting comfortable with being ‘selfish’. I put selfish in quotations because what us people pleasers think of as selfish is actually more commonly known as self care. Easy to say and hard to do but in my experience the more I practice self care, in all its forms, the easier it has become to continue doing.

I think it is also important to point out here that self care as aforementioned comes in many forms. It can be as simple as spending 5 minutes watching your favourite show instead of doing that extra piece of work all the way to quitting your job and following that bucket list dream you always had. Two totally different sides of the coin but equally challenging if you’re new to the whole self care train.

So it’s time to accept that self care isn’t selfish and that by prioritising your wants and needs as much as others you will be better equipped to be the best version of yourself for those around you and perhaps even an inspiration.

2. Be careful who’s advice you buy

This one is a biggie. I promise you, the people you spend most of your time with have such a big impact on how you live your life. Setting out with the goal of finding what you love and actually doing that thing is scary enough without all the neigh-sayers sharing their negative opinions and words of caution on the regular.

One of my favourite songs says ‘be careful who’s advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it’ and that is a perfect summation of this point. This is not about branding people with a yay or nay to be in your life but more so about trying to spend as much time around those that support your journey. Will be honest with you, but deliver it in a caring and positive way that still leaves you to make your own decisions.

In my circumstance, I have a huge passion for adventure, travel, calisthenics and hiking and sharing that with others is important to me. I wasn’t born into these passions, I found them in my 30’s and that’s why I want to show others they can do it too regardless of your experience, current fitness and knowledge on the topic.

The problem with this was the conflict it caused with the people pleaser in me. I needed to travel, hike and fully experience my passions to do this but I felt it was selfish or wrong to do that. Crikey, I remember finally booking a trip abroad after starting my business and then lying in my hotel room crying for most of it because I felt so guilty for taking some me time, even though I was still working. Then there’s the added layer of going against the social norms of a secure career and getting on the property ladder, not to mention marriage and kids.

I started to spend more and more time with friends, acquaintances and seeking out strangers (in a totally non stalker way) who were already living a life where they unapologetically chased their dreams and followed their passions. Again, it’s not about cutting people out but paying attention to whether the people you spend most of your time with are simply having a positive impact or not and distributing your time accordingly… game changing!

3. Play out the narrative

In moments of doubt, and I have plenty of them, I have two fallbacks that will usually give me the kick in the butt I need to stop my pesky mind playing tricks on me. The second we will talk about later but firstly I deploy the game of ‘then what’.

This is actually something I learnt from a psychologist I used to see in regards to anxiety and depression but has stayed with me ever since. The irony that a huge aspect of this was not feeling good enough for those in my life is not lost on me but alas.

The premise is when those little seeds of doubts pop into your mind you play out the narrative in your mind, asking yourself ‘then what’ every time you reach a ‘catastrophic’ road block.

By playing out the scenario, answering honestly what will happen at each negative roadblock you quickly realise that the worse case scenario is never as bad as you think and in fact maybe you should just follow your damn dreams.

4. Try scary things

If we are trying to find the best and most fulfilled version of ourselves then surely we need to know what we truly love. The best way to do this is to get out there and experience as much as possible.

The chances are you’ll find a lot of duds but I have no doubt you’ll also stumble across a few things that stick. If you start to pay attention to when you feel most energised, happy, content or truly yourself and doing those things more often you will slowly start carving out a life that feels authentic to you.

I know for a lot of us this is a daunting thought (if this is the case refer to point 6) but as with everything it gets easier the more you do it and there is the added bonus that you will meet new people and push your boundaries and who knows where that will lead!

5. You’re not who you think you are

You probably have a preconceived idea of who you think you are and what you’re definitely not. As I mentioned earlier, I didn’t find any of my passions until my 30’s and still often feel like an imposter doing them but that’s part of the challenge.

Finding yourself and following your passions is all about breaking down the idea of who you think you are and exposing the true version of you. The one living a life for you and not solely for others. You may subconsciously believe you don’t exercise, have a designated career path or will forever be branded a certain way but the truth is you can be literally anything you want to and can change this as many times as you want throughout your life too.

6. When all else fails… JFDI

Okay you’ve reached crisis mode. You start to bottle all the work you have done to prioritise yourself, follow your dreams and back yourself and ran back to the comfort of who you have always been like running back to a toxic ex. It might just be time for a little tough love.

This is when I deploy the grit your teeth and bare it JFDI statement… Just F**king Do It. Book the trip, take the job, try the class… JFDI. After all, really what’s the worst that can happen?

Living happily ever after

While these are some things that have helped me navigate the journey from bonafide people pleaser to somewhat finding myself I am still very much on the bumpy journey to achieving my goal.

As time has gone on and with more and more practice I have got better at putting my needs higher up the priority list and doing the damn things that set my soul on fire but it’s very much something I am not comfortable with yet. As with most things it’s a long and arduous journey that I am committed to but will always have its challenges and I have no doubt is lifelong.

At the end of all of this I always reflect on the fact that life is too damn short and while of course making (mostly) rational and thought out decisions is important, so is living your damn life.